Things are starting to happen!
The old days of slacking are over!
The Big Boss is finally back in Bangladesh… For the past few weeks when I was here, he had gone down to Sri Lanka to see if he could be of any help… He gave out necessities and took pictures and has tons of stories of accounts of survivors…
When he got back on Friday, he came to visit me and Jess at Pathshala that evening… “A social call” he called it… He’s really approachable and knowledgeable… He’s got a head of black hair, and a graying beard and moustache… Always wears traditional Begali outfits… Yet still looks rather cosmopolitan… He speaks English exceedingly well, and sounds really mature and sophisticated if you know what I mean… He’s got a certain air about him… the air of a really capable man…
Now that he’s back, the whole place is starting to buzz with activity… Slackers are coming to work on time, (this time I don’t mean me… I’m always on time…) or are coming to work at all… (when they previously never bothered..)… The Big Boss spoke to Jess and I about some new ideas that he hopes we can help out with… It sounds like a lot of fun…Just hope Jess and I are up to it… There are also two new ladies at Pathshala from England… One is a photographer with an assignment to complete, the other is her travel companion and assistant… They’re gonna be here for some 3 weeks… And they all seem like a lot of fun to talk to!
Just tonight, we went to Tutul’s home for dinner… The Big Boss, Shalini, Jess, Atiq, Reza, the two new ladies and I… Tutul’s elder son Raiyan is so cute! Too bad I couldn’t quite understand him… All I tried to say to him was “Ekhane Asho” or “come here”… But he couldn’t even understand that…Sad eh? But he understands when I point out something and say “Ekta Ki?” (What’s that?)… And I could make out when he said camera… Yay!
Tomorrow, we’re finally starting the shoot for the catalog of cane handicrafts… I looked the products over and you know what? I think my mum would love all that stuff!! She’s crazy about cane furniture and baskets… The studio was full of those things… Too bad I can’t buy those…They’re for exports… But I’d definitely try to buy stuff like it for my mum… Think she’d be pleased to no end!
More tomorrow!
The Thing I Miss the Most
~Listening to John Mayer’s “Daughters”~
"Fathers be good to your Daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers
Who turn into Mothers
So Mothers be good to your Daughters too"
I never knew until now, that when you’re away from home for so long… There’s only one thing that you’ll miss more than everything else… Something that you’ll miss so much that you’re willing to spend twenty minutes everyday just dialing to make an international call… Your family…
I may have stayed in hostel for all of my University life. But, I’ve never missed home or called home as often as I have done here… My roaming sim card is carefully locked up… I refuse to bring it around with me in case I lose it or get mugged… I figured that no matter how bad things get here, with that sim card, I will still be able to call home and hear everyone’s voices… And that would make everything ok…
The photos of my parents, my sisters and my brother-in-law (to be), are proudly displayed on my shelf, where I can see them as soon as I get back to my room… Whenever I get homesick, I would re-read the card they all wrote for me… or read the emails they send me... (Thinking about it even brings tears to my eyes now…)… In fact, this blog is kept updated because I know they are reading it... It makes them feel I'm not very far away... The way I feel when I get nice emails from them...
At one point, I was even taking my vitamins every day because it reminded me of my mother…
In the song “Daughters”, John Mayer was trying to teach fathers and mothers to love their daughters… But, my parents don’t need to learn that… This daughter is the most loved girl in the world… Together with her two other equally loved sisters…
I think my family is pretty great in that way…
My parents always made time for us… We’d celebrate every special occasion… (usually a fancy dinner out… and if it’s a birthday… then a cake and presents as well)… We’d go shopping together… go on holidays together… And we discussed everything together as a family… Things like holiday destinations, major changes/plans/decisions/problems, or any expensive item that someone wants to buy… We’re pretty democratic in that way…
My Daddy is the kindest man in the world… Even his employees love working for him! He can chat up any stranger and make the person feel very at ease. (I’ve seen him do it tons of times and it still amazes me…) He hardly ever scolds, only hit me once (when I’d been really disobedient, and even then, he was tearing when he did it) and he’s very loving and careful with us… You know, he’d always come to me and my sisters and tell us that we’re the most beautiful girls in the world… Because we’re his daughters...
My Mummy spends all her time and energy to make sure we turn out all right… She takes time to know us, know our friends, and to find out what is happening with us. Whenever I’m alone with her, I would just tell her everything… I can’t keep anything from her… She’s the disciplinarian, and also the comforter… I still run to her for hugs... And let her sniff my forehead… (Her favourite habit…) She knows exactly what food we like and dislike and prepares for us wonderful “ai xin can” (meals made with love)… Home just wouldn’t feel the same without the smell of good home cooked food wafting out of the kitchen…
We aren’t filthy rich or anything… My sisters and I never got everything we wanted… (I was pretty close to that… But that’s just the privilege of being the youngest…) But that was ok… We live very comfortably… (I may be biased but I think our home is the coziest and most beautiful place ever…) My sisters and I share one room… kinda like the goldilocks’ three bears with 3 beds side by side… It’s very conducive for doing silly things (like dancing around and singing, or making silly jokes) and talking at night when we can’t sleep… Sometimes we’d leave notes for each other… on Er Jie’s Magna Doodle… That was rather nice…
There’s one other thing about my family. They are very very brave… To have let me come to Bangladesh on my own… I know they were all very worried… (Probably still are) My mother was so worried she couldn’t sleep for nights before I left… It’s a big adventure for them and for me… It’s kinda like the song by Corrinne May “Fly Away”…(I have a link to the MTV.)
“You can fly so high.
Keep your gaze upon the sky.
I’ll be praying every step along the way.
Even though it breaks my heart to know
we’ll be so far apart.
I love you too much
to make you stay.
Baby fly away.”
I may have decided to come to Dhaka, in part because I had to stop being babied by them… To learn to make decisions on my own, and to grow up… But I could never turn my back on them… They are God’s wonderful gift to me… My family has been my strength and refuge. Even when the world is mean and horrible, I know I will find love and acceptance in them… All of them… My Daddy, My Mummy, My Da Jie & My Er Jie…
My little oasis...
This afternoon, I discovered a tiny little piece of Heaven... Right in the middle of Dhaka... And it's but a 10min walk away from Drik!
It's a tiny little cafe called "Grill & Chill"... And believe me, it's really a great place to chill...
The whole place is really nice, air-conditioned, with nice tables and seats... The deco is very modern and pleasing... Even a corner table with a sofa... When we were in there, they were playing John Mayer and the mood of the whole place was so cosy and comfortable... (Think I want to get that album now...)... The place is owned by Benson & Hedgers (I could tell cos the logo was embossed on a glass panel right in the middle of the restaurant, and they were selling Benson cigarettes at the counter), but smoking isn't allowed in it, so the place doesn't smell musky at all...
Most of the customers are middle class University students(there are several private universities around the area), with time on their hands, and money to spare. Even though the place is different, their dressing and language are different, they just remind me of me... You know... Like University students behave the same way wherever they are... Interesting...
"Grill & Chill" serves really nice food... Like steak, and pasta... Jess & I had started to miss having other types of food besides the usual curry and rice... So this was a really great discovery... Although the price is a little more than other places here... But it was basically about S$3.50 for a Double Beef Burger Meal, or a rice meal, and the most expensive dish, the steak... is only S$7... Yup!
I couldn't believe I'd find a place like that here... Right in the middle of a dusty road... Rather surreal if you think about it... It's just the kind of place I loved to hang out in, reading and having coffee... Just like I do back home...
So, if I ever need a place to chill out... I'm heading for my little oasis... =)
Occupation: Professional Bummer [In Transition]
You didn't see that wrongly.... This professional bummer might just be on her way to a better career! What that career will be though, still remains to be seen.
In the previous two days, (meaning yesterday and yesterday's yesterday) she has been actually doing some work!
On yesterday's yesterday, she did cataloging of rejected slides. It was boring, mundane and it had to be done... She was actually doing someone else's job... (That someone else came into office late...)
Then yesterday, she helped to clear out the store room in publications. It was dusty! She couldn't stop sneezing, and her nose wouldn't stop running... (yeah... the nose is pretty atheletic... quite unlike the owner...) But all that did not stop her from helping to sort out all the posters and roll them up neatly and label each roll so that everyone would know what posters they were. In fact, she helped out until Atiq stopped the clearing up for the day... He stopped it before lunch...
And you know what? They didn't continue it today either! Cos Atiq said it's thursday. (Believe me, I asked him what that had to do with anything. I guess it's just the day-before-off-day syndrome) He also said it takes a lot of energy to clear out the storeroom and he didn't have the energy today. They're not that much on efficiency when it comes to these mundane tasks...
Ok... So the bummer is still a bummer... What's with the transition?
Well, here's the thing... Yesterday, Abir came to tell me about this month long "photojournalism" workshop which is going to take place here. There will be students from Pathshala, and students from Norway, and perhaps (if the big boss allows) Jessica and I could take part in it! I jumped at the offer! Jess & I both agreed that we are going to go for it!
Also, the big boss is coming back tonight, and when we get to see him, we'd probably be able to talk to him about the workshop and about the departments that we are interested in helping out in. Like Audio visual, Studio, & Publication. No library. Jess has been miserable in there all this time! We might probably be able to start doing real stuff with the different departments... Not that we haven't... Just more stuff...
And this part is the icing on the cake!
Reza came in today and told me that they took on a new project! It's a publication/ brochure about the local handicrafts... Shooting starts on Sunday, and we get to help out through the whole process! From the phototaking, to the layout, to the printing.. Everything! I was so excited that I jumped at the opportunity! Now, Jess & I are gonna get to do some REAL work!!
Say goodbye to the professional bummer! (Ok... Maybe after friday... It's my offday after all!)
Light in the Darkness
What does a blackout teach you?
1) Always have a torch, a candle and some matches at hand.
2) Stock up on appliances that can run on batteries alone.
3) It is impossible not to take electricity for granted. Really.
I speak from experience. For the first time since I got here, it rained. Rained for the whole day. Almost like Singapore weather. A little miserable, a little gloomy. But hey, feels just like home! I had no complains about the rain. Besides the fact that I had put out some laundry to dry. But that’s all right… I can always wash it again…
But you know what happens when it rains in the winter? It gets really really cold. My goodness it was cold. It was so cold whenever Jess and I went up to the roof to take a break from work (yes! I worked today! Cataloging rejected slides..). We were also freezing in the rickshaw on the way back, despite the excitement of sitting in a rickshaw with the canopy up for the first time. Good thing it’s all toasty in my room now.
That’s not all. When it rains and is very cold, everything electrical starts to malfunction. There were three “explosions” at Drik today. Allow me to explain before you overreact.
The transformers are housed within the building. Whenever there is a surge in the voltage, the transformers will kinda make this really loud sound like an explosion, to correct the surge. Reza said that because of these explosions, we were kept safe. And I take his word for it. He also said that not all explosions are good… you know, like the bomb kinds… He was trying to be corny there btw… Pretty pathetic attempt, if you ask me. But he’s my boss, so I dun wanna say more.
Things were a bit worse at Pathshala. The electricity was completely out when Jess and I arrived here. Good thing we both had torches. For the beginning part, we just wandered around Pathshala playing with Noyl and Al Amin. Then, when we wanted to get warm, we went to the kitchen to boil some hot water on the stove and make some hot drinks. We didn’t even have to do a thing! Peter had enough foresight to leave us a kettle of hot water on the stove. So we made our drinks and sat in the kitchen, taking in the warmth and the whole atmosphere around us. It was really nice! All quiet and everything.
Then the lights came on!
We went back to our rooms, thinking everything was back to normal. I left my computer on, rewashed my clothes, and didn’t bother to take a shower or anything. I thought of heating up dinner, and boiling hot water for drinks. But I just assumed that the power would stay on, and went to the computer room, hoping to read my mail, write my blog and download winrar to read a rar file I got from my friend. I even started watching TV. (We get HBO & Star World btw…)
Then the power went out again.
I couldn’t believe it! This time, I didn’t know where my torch was anymore. And I was seriously upset that I had not taken care to savour every bit of electricity that I had enjoyed. Al Amin had to run out and help us buy candles. (It’s actually safer for him to run around the streets on his own at night than it is for any of us grown up girls… Says something about Kid-Power eh?). He even helped me to light it and set it up in my room cos I didn’t have any matches of my own.
Somewhere along the line, I got fed up sitting around in the dark, staring at walls and hoping that the lights would come on. I started clearing up my room with a torch. To entertain myself, and the two kids, I played my guitar, and sang the most apt song for the evening… “Light of the World”…
Lights came on again… And guess what?
I forgot about the matches, still didn’t heat up the food or boil water. I just wanted to relax, thinking that the power can’t possibly go off anymore.
It did.
So it’s true. You really don’t stop taking electricity for granted. Perhaps it comes from living in Singapore all your life, where the only time you get a blackout is like once in a long time. And even then, everyone complains and gets pissed with the power company. I think you’d get pretty hoarse if you tried complaining every time there is a blackout (already happened a few times today) or a power flicker (happens all the time.)
But let me tell you what 3 consecutive blackouts teach you.It Teaches you how to survive without electricity.
You do that by
1) Appreciating the quiet of the dark.
2) Admiring the glow of a single lit candle & listening to its crackle.
3) Being prepared for the next blackout. (The candle is now permanently fixed on my table, with matches next to it, and my torch is right beside me.)
4) Making use of appliances and other things like the guitar, that uses neither batteries nor electricity, as entertainment during the blackout.
5) Saving the battery of the laptop so that you can still write your blog in the midst of a blackout. The notebook & pen is also kept handy.
6) Preparing your things so that you can take advantage of the next power surge to boil hot water, heat up the food in the microwave, and even to take a shower before the hot water runs out. (Note: Internet was not even in the running.)
By living through several blackouts, you start to see things in a different light. (Pun fully intended).Your priorities change. And sometimes, if you’re lucky, you’ll see other lights around you. Playing the guitar was a sudden inspiration that came up during the blackout. Al Amin, although unfazed by the blackout, was so excited when I did that. He even took pictures of me, with my torch pointed at me for extra light. (Smart eh?). So, yeah… Even a blackout can be a good thing.
And you can’t even fault me for being optimistic and naïve cos the lights just went out again. =)
Daily Heart Drik News Update Broadcast
Music~
Shovo Ratri. Good Evening. Here are your Drik News Updates. I am your presenter, Gwen "Yo!"
At exactly 1310hrs (Bangladesh Time) today, a small rowdy procession matched past Drik office today. One of our in-Drik reporter, Goan "Yo!" was extremely intrigued by the noise the procession was making and ran up to the rooftop to investigate further. She brought along her camera to take pictures of the scene, hoping to have something to report on, perhaps another hartal.
However, at the rooftop, the procession had gone too far for any meaningful pictures to be taken. All she could get was a picture of a group of people standing around, between the holes of the dusty trees, looking like they were shopping at the street markets. On top of that, she was told that they were only chanting "Bangladesh! Bangladesh!". The procession was in fact, a group of cricket supporters who were expressing their excitement that Bangladesh had won a cricket game in a match against India or some other country.
Our reporter was much too disappointed and embarrassed to report this piece of news herself and asked me for the favour to report it on her behalf. I hope she will recover from the embarrassment soon, as there are already so few people working on this bulletin, and added workload on this presenter might just force her to quit her job.
Now on to some business news.
The multimedia department of Drik held interviews yesterday for a new team leader. The current team leader will be leaving Drik to go to Japan on the 30th of January together with his wife, who is Japanese. Our only other reporter left Gwon "Yo!" has more.
"Hi Gwen. Although I can't imagine why reading just one more bulletin for one day would force you to quit your job, considering you are a slacker like all of us, I will refrain from saying more. The team leader is indeed married to a Japanese. The reporters of Daily Heart all agree that it is very cosmopolitan of him, despite the fact that she has been living in Bangladesh for some time and can speak some Bengali. It does not change the fact that at least one person in this place does not despise us yellow-skinned people. (Which is not to say that the others despise us, but at least we have concrete evidence about this one person.)"
"The interviews were held yesterday. This reporter found out about it when she saw two very unfamiliar, nervous and extremely tense people sitting outside the Multimedia Room. One was dressed in a nice suit, the other in a shirt with pants that look a wee bit short and with his socks folded down. This reporter undeniably feels that the first rule of having a good dress sense is that the pants should not be too short and socks must not be folded down when the first rule is broken."
"That was already a very queer sight. On top of that, Rajib was found wandering the other rooms of Drik, which is very uncharacteristic of him. He is usually at his computer, or otherwise have meals at Drik Cafe. Nowhere else. (Probably visits the toilet too, but this reporter is not a stalker and does not wish to know such details.) On interviewing the other people in publishing, this reporter found out that teamleader interviews were being carried out. On top of that, the salary of a teamleader ranges from Tk12000 to Tk14000, which is good considering that the others get only Tk8000. No wonder those two men were nervous."
"This reporter had the privilege to read the CVs of the interviewees today, when she walked into Multimedia to 'Kaypo' about the interviewees. She discovered that there was one particular candidate who looks very much like the current teamleader-with-the-Japanese-wife). However, his CV was not in the least impressive. (To this reporter at least, Jess thought it was great!) The reason this reporter was not impressed, was because she first read the CV of the guy with the pants that are too short and the socks folded down. That guy is scary! He's almost brilliant! He can do anything with a computer in terms of web designing and management, graphic and animation designing. He was the total shoo-in for the position!"
"But according to the current teamleader-with-the-Japanese-wife, they are not only looking at the knowledge and experience in Multimedia, they are looking for someone with leadership qualities (namely bigger sized). Do not ask this reporter about the logic behind this whole concept of leadership=big. It is beyond her too."
"Now back to the I-will-quit-my-job-if-I-talk-too-much-presenter, Gwen."
Thank you Gwon. I did not know Daily Heart hired a fashion commenter. She must not be an expert in it I'm sure, since she does not even shop very much or very well, and is not in the least dressy. She only wears jeans, with a tee shirt and a particular maroon jacket, with white sketchers shoes everyday. But that's just my opinion.
And for that matter, all you listeners, this presenter was not that much of a slacker today. She had been making full use of her time to obtain Adobe Illustrator in her laptop to practice what she has been learning from Atiq. She has also been looking at the nice pictures taken by the in-Drik photographers and has tried her hand at taking pictures. So far, she's developed some rolls of film and is waiting for a chance to go and get them scanned at a fuji shop, so that she can send them home via email. She can even proudly say she's learnt abit about FTP and php in web & database management, even if it isn't much.
Now where were we? Oh yes. Some travel tips for you. Please be aware that on the roads, people spit and dogs poop. WATCH WHERE YOU STEP! Also, do beware of the cars on the road. They are driven by mean, rude, arrogant rich people who can't stand anything in their way. So they will not stop for you. And, if you are in their way, you'll know. Cos they'll keep horning you until you clear their path. When this happens, do refrain from calling them a bad word. They are not worth your time or effort to do something so low-down. Instead, you could try annoying them by walking in their path for as long as possible. Although you might get hurt.
Finally, we have our new gossip columnist Gwyneth "Yo!" to fill us in on some of the daily not-at-all-important-happenings in Drik.
"Thank you, Gwen. I am new here today so I will pretend not to be offended by the snide remarks about my column. But I can assure you listeners that my news is very important information. Although there seems to be a lot of tension in this air."
"Lately, the people at Drik have been bringing their families to work, much to the amusement of this reporter and her fellow Singaporean counterpart, Jess. Atiq brought his whole family today, wife, son and daughter. The daughter looks like the mother, and is such a curious little girl, while the son has his father's eyes. This reporter feels that the son is quite a handsome young boy, even though he's rather shy. Perhaps that's his appeal. But I can assure you that this reporter does NOT go for younger guys."
"I'm sure there are other important gossip news to be reported but the air here is too tense and this reporter is now no longer able to recall any of it. So, that's all for gossip news today!"
Thank you, Gwyneth! And that's all for Drik News Updates! Stay tuned for the next update, which will be broadcast whenever this Editor decides to broadcast. After she has dealt with her unruly reporters. Daily Heart News Bulletins. Broadcasting all the news fit to broadcast!"
Music~
Editor & Scriptwriter (Off the record) - Ok! No more missing tea breaks everyone!!
Reality bites
Bangla Lesson #6
Ami Kelanto - I'm sleepy
Ami Khudarto - I'm hungry
This entry had been brewing in my mind for sometime, but i had been very unwilling to entertain it. I felt that I had presented such a good side of Dhaka & Bangladesh, that I couldn't bring myself to shatter.
You must be wondering if I am feeling depressed again. Don't worry. I'm not. Still feeling optimistic about living here for another 5months or so.
But I knew it would be wrong for me to only present the good side. My journalistic training in school (no matter how little and pathetic that was..) had taught me to be fair and balanced in reporting news. I'm sure that even if I had continued to keep this entry out of my blog, you (my rational & sensible readers) would have started to wonder if I was telling the whole truth. I mean, you'd start to think "this place almost sounds perfect! what's wrong with it?"
So, this is the entry of the low down... Not the "real" side, since everything else I said about this place is also real... This is simply my attempt to balance the good stuff I'd written with some bad stuff... It brings more credibility to my writing, it gives you at home a more holistic picture... and... it just might unclog the block i've been getting everytime I refused to entertain this idea (cos my conscience is dogging me).
There are just so many things here that upset me.
I'm in the region called Dhanmondi. It's quite a posh place. There are lots of very modern apartment buildings. From what I heard from Topu, the apartments here are very expensive. But Dhanmondi is not the most expensive place. The most expensive areas are like Gulshan, where all the filthy rich stay.
I don't know about Gulshan, since I haven't been there yet. But here in Dhanmondi, you see the comfortable looking children staring out of the apartment windows, while out on the street, there are little boys walking around barefoot and are all dirty and don't even have a shirt on in the winter time. Not so bad.
Once a group of about 4 cars drove by Drik as Jess, Topu and I were walking out. Each car held four rowdy guys who were sitting on the doors, shouting to the people on the streets and giving them "the finger". The rich men's sons... With money flowing through their blood and looking down on the less fortunate.
I was appalled! How could they be so horrible? I wanted to call them a bad word/name. But I would rather leave it to your imagination, to know what I mean. I know that I come from a very comfortable environment. I'm not on the same league as those less fortunate that I now see so often. But I would never dream of looking down on them. I have admiration for the way they survive, even though it's so tough! Although, there are exceptions.
I heard from Shalini that the beggars on the streets are sometimes hired by people to go and beg. The money doesn't go to these people. They go to the people who hired them. Even when you see a woman with a baby or a child, chances are, that child is not hers! I'm not too sure about all this but the whole idea is, giving money to beggars on the street may not be the best way to help them.
I know I complained to my family about the lack of job opportunities back home. That's like a total understatement for the people here.
English education here is the most expensive compared to the English schools in the region like in India and Sri Lanka. So, only the really rich can learn English. The people working at Drik with me have been trying to improve their English to be more effective in their work. But there is just no place that they can learn it! They aren't even poor. They are doing ok with their jobs in Drik and outside. Even they can't afford it, so which of the poor people can?
How about domestic violence? Recently, I heard Mothi shouting at his wife. Shalini said that he was beating her. Wife-beating is very very common. Drik once had an exhibition of photos of victims to domestic violence. This is the way men see their wives, as things to be disciplined through beating. What ever happened to loving your wife as your own flesh? Treating her as a precious part of your body? Holding her at your side? Protecting her?
I saw that Noyl was in the room where the fight was going on, and I wondered if he would grow up thinking that women are to be beaten into submission. The thought still sends a shiver down my spine...
Now, let's talk about the hartal, or the strike, that happened yesterday.
What is your impression of strike? Something very spontaneous perhaps? Happens as and when it happens right? Well, whatdyaknow... It was announced in the Daily Star yesterday! "Huh?" FYI, newspapers can't print news that is happening right now. It can only print yesterday's news... This means to say, the strikers announced that they are going to have a strike the day before. It's pretty considerate, I guess, cos then people can know to stay at home.
I still feel rather uncomfortable about the whole thing... From today's newspapers, the police clubbed down the demonstrators. Of which, 50 of them were women. Ouch! The strike was called by the opposition party as a protest against a particular international meeting which was initially scheduled for today. The reporter was unhappy that the opposition parties were always trying to tarnish the reputation of the country in front of other nations.
I don't think i'm in the position to judge which is more upsetting. The women demonstrators being clubbed down or those very same women protesting that their country be involved with international affairs. But what I do know is, I think the general public suffered the most. Chittagong had to declare a half day yesterday and so a lot of businesses in that area were affected. Travel all over Bangladesh was affected because a lot of large vehicles were not on the road. The strike was a full day thing and people stayed off the roads until after 6. If anything, the strike was not benefitting the general public.
Now there is talk about banning strikes here. I think, that as long as the poor people aren't made much worse than they are... Go right ahead!
All these injustices can't go away overnight. Not expecting it to. But, I think, it would still be nice to continue dreaming of a better future... If no one else will, I will....
